


Alone In The Darkness

by Esther_Summerson



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Comfort, Eventual Fluff, F/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, Triggers, its graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 01:22:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6683743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esther_Summerson/pseuds/Esther_Summerson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader has just returned from a mission with the Avengers, and is struggling to cope with everything that that entails.</p><p> </p><p>  <em></em><br/><strong>Be aware that the depictions of self-harm in this are graphic, please look after yourselves and don't read if this is likely to be triggering for you.<strong><em></em></strong></strong><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone In The Darkness

“I am the monster that parents worry about. I am the thing that hides in the darkness.” She thought to herself as she laid out the razor blade on the bathroom sink.  
The mission had taken its toll once again. The work that she did was invaluable, assisting the Avengers as they sought to make the world a brighter, safer place for everyone who lived in it. But she had never been able to bear the weight of it, the guilt that each kill filled her with. Each death that could be laid at her door adding another link in the chain that she would wear once damnation took her in its hold.  
Reaching down to raise the cold tumbler of vodka to her lips, she allowed a healthy mouthful to burn down her throat before setting the glass back down and lifting the blade to press against the skin of her left arm. The blade was so sharp that it needed no pressure to break through the fragile protection of her skin, but that wasn’t enough. Tonight she needed to do as much damage as she could, she needed to feel it, needed it to last. She pressed down on the blade, the pain singing along her nerve endings as the blade bit deep into her flesh and blood welled up around the wound.  
Blood flowed sluggishly down her wrist and into the sink, the bright red drops standing out starkly against the white porcelain bowl. A sigh escaped her lips as she lifted the blade to do it again and the blood flow sped up, as she watched and tried to believe that it was her pain that was flowing away.  
Her mind numb, she dropped the blade into the sink and lifted the glass to her lips, drinking the rest of the vodka down steadily until it was empty. Setting the glass down she went through the preparations of cleaning herself up, lowering her arm into the sink she ran the taps until the worst of the blood was washed away. Moving away she wrapped her arm carefully in a towel, now that the act itself was over she needed to clean up methodically. She lifted the towel to check on the bleeding and knew that the wounds would require dressing, she didn't want blood staining her clothes.  
She just finished taping the sterile pad to her arm when JARVIS interrupted.  
“Excuse me Agent, Captain Rogers is wondering if you would like to join them for dinner? Dr Banner is cooking.” The beautifully accented voice asked.  
“Pass on my apologies please J, tell them I’m destined for an early night.” She replied, stroking the last piece of tape firmly into place before throwing on her favourite sweater.  
“As you wish, Agent.” Her smile was small but definitely there, as she remembered the day when she had explained The Princess Bride to him.  
“Thanks J,” she whispered. Her voice sounded hollow to her own ears, and she moved out of her bedroom and steadfastly ignored the alcohol that was calling out to her, making her way instead into her kitchen and filling the kettle. The familiar routine of making tea steadied her breathing, the act itself providing calm as much as she hoped that the beverage itself would. Once the leaves had finished infusing she lifted the cup to her lips, pursing them to breathe over the gently steaming surface and cool the liquid so that she could drink.  
A knock sounded at her door, breaking the reverie which she had fallen into, the calm after the storm so to speak. She took a sip of her tea, letting the flavour of the hot liquid spread over her tongue before setting the mug down on her coffee table and moving to answer the door.  
“Bruce, what are you doing here?” She asked after having opened the door to her favourite of the ‘Scientists Three’.  
He lifted the covered plate up “I thought you might be hungry, and I know how much you love my curries so I figured I’d try and tempt you.” he replied with a sheepish smile.  
“Thanks, you didn’t have to Bruce…..but thank you.” She said, with a quiet smile which Bruce noticed didn’t reach her eyes.  
“Can I come in?”  
“Ehm,” came the nervous response from the beautiful young woman standing in front of him. Bruce noticed her hesitation and it worried him. She was normally so open, eager to be spending time with him and the others, but this isolating herself after missions was becoming more and more common and it worried him.  
“Sure, come on in. Though I have to warn you, I’m probably not the best company right now.” She replied, stepping aside to let him in.  
“I always enjoy your company, don’t worry about that.” Bruce said as he walked past her, stopping to put the plate down on the island in her kitchen before moving to grab some cutlery for her out of the drawer. He smiled as he realised that she had automatically sat down where he had left the plate for her, and having lifted the lid let out an appreciative groan at the scent of the spices rising with the steam.  
“Oh gods Bruce, and you made roti!” She exclaimed gently. “You know I can’t resist those.”  
“I know, you’re not the only one who notices things around here.” His smile wavered slightly as she stiffened at his words. “Now come on, eat up before it goes cold.”  
Taking the fork the Bruce held out to her, she scooped up some of the thick vegetable curry and dropping it onto one of the rotis lifted it to her lips before taking a large bite.  
"Mmm Bruce, that's delicious as ever." She said as she chewed the spicy concoction. "You're not eating?"  
"I already ate downstairs, besides I didn't want you to miss out just because you were too tired to join us." Bruce replied, leaning back against her kitchen counter with a thoughtful expression.  
"Oh. Well I just made a fresh pot of tea, you're welcome to have some." She said forking more curry onto her roti and taking another bite. "There's mugs in the cupboard above the kettle."  
"Thanks, that sounds perfect." Bruce said, turning away to reach into the cupboard for a mug to pour himself some tea. He lifted the pot, and as the amber coloured liquid poured into his mug he thought some more about why his friend could be hiding herself away. Turning back to her he raised the mug to his lips and took a long swig before taking a seat opposite her. "Is everything ok?"  
She stopped, lowering the fork from her lips before she had taken the waiting mouthful. "What do you mean Bruce?" The question came out on a whispered breath.  
"I was wondering if you're ok, you seem, well, sad, for want of a better word." Bruce replied, watching her trembling hands as she reached over to take up her forgotten mug of tea and take a healthy swallow.  
"I'm fine Bruce, just a little tired." She said lowering the mug to the counter and pushing her half eaten meal away from her.  
"I don't think that's all this is, I think there's something more going on." He replied gently. "I'm here you know, if you want to talk."  
"Thank you, you've always been kind to me. But really, there's nothing wrong with me that a good nights sleep won't cure." She said, pulling her mug closer and wrapping her still shaking hands around its warmth.  
"Well if you're sure, I'll leave you to your rest. Sleep well." Bruce said moving to stand beside her, he laid his hand down on her arm and didn't miss the flinch of pain. " Are you hurt? You should have gone to medical to get that seen to, here let me."  
Bruce turned her around in her chair and pulled the sleeve of her sweater up until he caught sight of the white dressing.  
"You didn't have to do this yourself you know, the doctors down there could have sorted this." He said, as he turned her wrist and took in the neat work of the dressing. "Maybe I should just......." And before she could stop him he had the dressing pulled off and saw the damage which she had inflicted upon herself earlier. She held her breath, knowing that she couldn't fool him into thinking that these were anything other than self inflicted, the wounds too straight, too methodical to be anything but.  
"Did you? I mean are these what I think they are? Why do you want to hurt yourself?" He whispered, stroking his thumb down the undamaged part of her wrist as he tried to take in the meaning of what he was seeing.  
"I don't want to talk about it Bruce, I'd like you to leave now please." She said, quickly snatching her arm out of his grip and wrapping the dressing back into place.  
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on." He replied, standing his ground before her.  
"What does it matter? Why shouldn't I hurt, don't I deserve it?" She snapped back, pushing him away and stepping down from her seat to move into her living room.  
"No one deserves that sweetheart," Bruce said trying to keep his tone gentle, not missing the way that she flinched at the term of endearment. "Certainly not you."  
"I do, this and so much more. Can't you see Bruce, I'm a monster." She whispered out, clutching her damaged arm to her chest. "The things I've done, the people I've killed. Why is my life worth more than their's?"  
Bruce walked closer, watching as the tears fell down her face, and placing a gentle hand on her waist he pulled her into a hug. Wrapping his arms securely around her and holding her close as the sobs shook her. God only knew how long they had been standing like that, his shirt front was soaked and her breathing had evened out again.  
"Come here," he guided her over to sit next to him on the sofa. Leaning back against the sofa cushions, he relaxed slightly as she leaned into his side. "This is going to be hard for you to hear, but you need to listen to me ok?"  
"Ok Bruce, I'm listening." She said, as she wiped her cheeks on the sleeve of her sweater.  
"You are not a monster," he felt her stiffen at his words. "Listen to me, please. The people which we deal with on an almost daily basis need to be stopped. We have to protect those who are incapable of protecting themselves. And to do this we have to take on ourselves a responsibility which is not easy to bear.But we are not alone in carrying this burden, you have friends here. People who can help you through."  
"I don't know if you've noticed this Bruce, but I don't exactly share easily."  
"I know, and that needs to change. You know you can't keep going like this don't you?" He asked, giving her shoulders a gentle squeeze.  
"I know, but it's either this or turn to alcohol and I can't do that to myself. At least this way I'm still in control." She whispered back, leaning into his embrace.  
"But it's a false sense of control sweetheart, you can't hurt yourself just to be able to keep going."  
"What do I do Bruce? I don't know how to stop." She replied, sitting up to look him in the eye for what seemed like the first time since he'd walked through her door.  
"Let us help you? We care about you and you certainly don't have to be dealing with this alone." She might have imagined the blush that came over his cheeks at the mention of caring, but his words seemed to shine a light into the darkness of what had become her life in recent months.  
"You'll help me?" She asked hesitantly.  
"We all will," he replied, breathing a sigh of relief that she'd accepted the offer of assistance so easily.  
"But you will right? You won't leave me alone in this?" She asked.  
"Of course, I'll be right with you as long as you need me." Bruce replied, he couldn't help thinking that perhaps he should say no to that. That maybe she needed someone who wasn't secretly pining for her.  
"Thank you Bruce." She said, and entirely on impulse she leaned in and kissed his cheek. The atmosphere turned electric, as she leaned back she couldn't miss the stunned expression on Bruce's face as he raised a hand up to where his cheek was now blushing a furious pink. She turned his face towards hers, looking deep into his brown eyes before lowering her mouth to capture his lips in a chaste kiss that still managed to send a tingle down her spine.  
"Wow," she breathed out. Seeing the stunned expression on his face she sat back on her heels and wondered if she had just fucked up one of the most important friendships she had.  
"Oh god, I'm so sorry I should never have....." Bruce stuttered out, running his hand through his messy brown hair as he stood up suddenly from the couch.  
"No, it's me I shouldn't have kissed you." She said, shrinking back into herself and uttering a mirthless chuckle "I mean why would you want me to?"  
"Wait? What? Of course I want you to, I've wanted to kiss you for what seems like an age. I just shouldn't have done it now, it was entirely inappropriate of me to take advantage of your fragile state." Bruce replied quickly, kneeling down on the floor in front of her and taking her hands in his until she raised her head and met his eyes.  
"Really? You wanted to kiss me?" She asked, a hopeful smile lighting her beautiful features.  
"Really, how could I not? I see you sweetheart, I know who you are, and what you've done and I know that you deserve happiness. If I get to be the man to make you happy then yay for me." He said, the sincerity in his tone brightening that light that he shone earlier until she could almost see the way back to peace.  
"I'm thinking that right now I need to focus on sorting out my head," she said quietly. "But sometime in the future would you go on a date with me Dr Banner?"  
"I'd be delighted, just name the time and place and I'm all yours." He replied quickly, grateful that his declaration hadn't scared her what with everything else that she was having to deal with. "And first thing tomorrow we will get you the help that you need. Will you be ok for tonight?"  
"I'll ask Darcy if she fancies a sleepover, I don't really trust myself to be alone right now."  
"That sounds good to me, I'd offer to stay but..." Bruce trailed off.  
"It's maybe a little early for us to be having sleepovers?" She replied with a small smile, taking his offered hand and letting him help her up from the sofa.  
"Indeed, but you'll call me if you need anything?" He asked, enjoying the way that her hand fit inside his as they walked to the door of her apartment.  
"I will, and thank you Bruce." She said quietly as she opened the door for him.  
"Just remember, you're not alone in this." He replied, taking her right hand and pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles.  
She smiled up at him as he lowered her hand and he stepped out into the hallway. Closing the door behind him, she leant back against it thinking of how her life had changed over the course of one night. Reminding herself that whilst Bruce had shown her the way back to the right path, she was the only one who could walk along it and find her way back into the light.  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for writing this, but I was having a truly shitty day and needed to.


End file.
